10 Fictional Characters I Want to Punch in the Bits

Yeah, I said it. I want to punch them in the bits. Or the face. Or get into a knock-down, drag-out, “here, hold my earrings,” hair-pulling cat fight. Or all of the above. Thank goodness they are all fictional. Otherwise I might be in jail.

Hmm? Enema Man or Benjamin Bratt. Tough decision.

1. Florentino Ariza, Love in the Time of Cholera by Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Some one please explain to me why it’s acceptable for a man to sleep with anything with girl bits, and still get/deserve the girl of his dreams. “I’m still a virgin, because I’ve only ever loved you.” Any woman who falls for that deserves every STD she contracts. Seriously. What makes it worse is having to read about this guy’s never-ending enema and bowel issues. Um no. There is nothing that remotely makes you attractive in the slightest. Fifty plus years of unrequited love, endless poetry and devotion. Sorry, dude. All I see when I look at you is Mr. Hanky the Christmas Poop.

Please. If you don't teach them early, they'll be wanting to read and vote... Where does it end?

2. Stanley Kowalski, A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams. It’s a well know fact that when a woman needs to be put in her place, the best thing to do is rape her or beat her. What? No? It isn’t? Then someone should really fill in Stanley. If this guys was alive today, (and sadly there are many alive that are not fictional,) he’d be in prison right now with his new romantic interest, Big T. This is one of those times I want to go into the book, kick him right in the bits as he starts yelling “Stella!” and then call the cops while I stand with my stiletto heel in his throat. Go on, picture it. Looks good, doesn’t it?

As if her office decor wasn't a big enough hint that she's the daughter of Belzebub.

3. Dolores Umbridge, The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling. To quote Mike Meyers, she is ” e-vil. Like the fru-its of the dev-il. E-vil.” I had hoped that when she had been carried off by angry centaurs, she had been slow roasted in a pit like the pig she is. Sadly, she turns back up in The Deathly Hallows,and we never quite get to see this sadistic, racist, biznitch get what she deserves. I guess it’s left up to our imagination. One theory I have is that the Dementors actually puked up her soul, then Voldemort got to her. It’s not in there, but a girl can hope. My other theories are about as bad as what Voldemort might think up, so I won’t list them. My husband is scared enough of me as it is.

Her daemon should've been a Praying Mantis. They eat their mates. Pretty sure their offspring as well. This is a shot of her eyeing Lyra... at dinner. Makes sense doesn't it?

4. Mrs. Coulter, His Dark Materials Trilogy by Phillip Pullman. I’d give this Psycho Hosebeast the title of “Worse Mother Ever,” but she’s actually tied with another contender further down on the list. Seriously. In this alternate universe is it a requirement that you have to be a terrible parent if you’re British? Oh, wait, no it isn’t. Will’s parents aren’t that great either. An improvement yes, but still lacking. I was actually surprised by her Mrs. Coulter’s affection for Lyra, given that she clearly has no soul. No, really. That’s just her pet monkey, not a real daemon.

As if this guy wasn't creepy enough, the actor had to go and shave off his eyes brows. Thanks for that. No, really.

5. Wormtounge, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien. When it comes to adjectives to describe this guy, I’m stuck between “creepy” and “sniveling.” This guy makes used car salesmen look like choir boys. He walks by, and there’s a little janitor following him setting up cones and signs saying “CAUTION: Slippery Slime Trail.” And the whole thing with Eowyn. Please. The girl isn’t going to fall for the guy who calls her and breathes heavily while peaking through her window. Just eew.

Does't this family portrait scream "Love, tolerance, and understanding?"

6. The Malfoys, The Harry Potter Series by J.K. Rowling. Okay, we all know they’re supposed to be the sous-villains for Harry. There’s just nothing redeeming about them. So then can someone please tell me why the get their chance for redemption as the series moves towards the end?? I mean, what did these people actually learn from the whole thing? Am I to believe that they aren’t the blatant bigots they were before? Yeah right. If anything, they learned that the rat that survives is the one who knows when to leave the ship. Great lesson. I vote for them dying and getting Fred back.

I'd actually wait to punch Cersei until she was pregnant so I could smack Geoffry too. Two shits, one stone... or punch.

7. Cersei Lannister, A Song of Ice and Fire Series by George R.R. Martin. Cersei ties for “Worst Mother Ever,” but also receives the award for “Worst Relative.” Someone, please correct me. Somebody out there on the internets has to know of one member of the Lannister family that benefited long-term from anything this woman has ever done. Go ahead. I’ll wait.

When the last book in the series comes out, I’ll be crossing my fingers for Blackened Queen Cersei via one of the dragons. Oh! And what does this tell you about George R.R. Martin? He has no problem killing off the good guys and the likeable people. Nope, he leaves this ho-bag alive. Bastard.

Why would you EVER trust this guy? He has "tool" written all over him.

8. Luke Castellan, The Percy Jackson Series by Rick Riordan. Here’s a little message for you Luke: we’ve all got Daddy issues. Man up and deal with them, or get some freaking therapy. It’s not like just because your Dad is a Greek god that means that modern medicine isn’t available to you. But, no. No, you decide that destroying the world will really show him. And then what, Luke? THEN WHAT?? Jackass.

"Why, is that a meteor I see fallin' to Earth?" No, Hilly. That's the flaming bag of dog poo I just launched at you from my roof.

9. Hilly Holbrook, The Help by Kathryn Stockett. Little Miss KKK was the source of many a late night rant while I was reading this book. Guess what Hilly? For that, not only do I want to punch you, so does my husband. You cost the man some valuable sleep while he listened to me talk about how you’re the worst kind of human being and how I can’t believe that you are one or two generations away from me. If there was ever a case for evolution, this chick is it. I’m a Southern girl. I, and my mother before me, crawled out of the muck you wallowed in you worthless piece of trash.

The cleavage bit was funny because this film was made during censorship. With those standards, Vivian Leigh is damned near naked here.

10. Scarlett O’Hara, Gone with the Wind by Margaret Mitchell. Scarlett? Really? But she’s one of the great female heroines, you say. Well, while you are saying that, tell me what makes this biznitch such a catch. She’s pretty. Well, yeah, but so are a lot of other people. She’s rich. Well, that comes and goes thanks to the Ol’ War of Northern Aggression. (That’s what some people in the south refer to the Civil War as.) She’s a good mother. Wait, no, scratch that. Scarlett Junior dies via horse riding accident before she starts grade school. She’s a good wife. Um, nope. She has a … great… personality? Okay, now it’s just getting silly. Listen, Princess. You know why Ashley never married you? Because you are about as shallow as you cleavage in one of those corsets.

Did I miss someone? Some character that’s hassling you need a good punch in the bits? Tell me who in the comments below. We’ll smile about it together.

Happy reading, happy writing.

7 Authors Who Should Only Publish in E-Formats

Some of these authors you may know; some of them are from our bookshelf at home; some are known by reputation. Regardless, here’s my point: for the love of your joints, please only buy these books in e-format. Otherwise your state may require you to get a license for a concealed weapon.

R.A. Salvatore

Now, on their own, Salvatore’s book aren’t that lengthy. We’re talking 352 pages in Siege of Darkness. The real problem is the prolific body of work the man has put out. He’s a machine. You can either buy his over 50 published fantasy books individually, or in the interest of cost and bookshelf space, buy the compilations. There’s at least 6 that I know of currently. Oh, did I mention saving space on your bookshelf? As it happens, the compilations are a double-edged sword. I’m looking at Legacy of the Drow right now. It contains four books, including Siege of Darkness. One is easier to keep up with than four right? Oh, no wait! This book has 1077 pages. Doing a rough count, there are 533,115 words in this book. And there are five more just in this universe. I think I just caught arthritis.

4 of the offending books, with my dog for scale. Yeah, I know. She's fat. So are those books.

David and Leigh Eddings

This cute little couple didn’t start out writing giant novels. Much like R.A. Salvatore, they wrote a bunch of regular sized novels all in the same world. Then after they finished those two series containing five books each, the wrote two heifer sized companions. Let me break it down for you. One book, just one book as an “add-on” to their big series has approximately 318,285 words (Polgara the Sorceress). A good day for me is writing 2,000 words. In other words it would take me 5 months and change, writing every day, consistently hitting my word goal, straight. Forget editing, this is just getting it out. Ow.

David Eddings. "Oh, you thought that was all? I'm sorry, that's only the first installment. Heh heh heh."

J.K Rowling

Are you noticing a trend here? These authors start out small, then go batshit insane. The Sorcer’s Stone 76,944 words. The Deathly Hallows 198,227. That’s more than double the size. Did I love every word of it? Absolutely. Did I have to wear wrist braces from holding up the hardcover edition for my all night read through? Um, yeah.

Hey Jo, guess what? We're going to buy it no matter how long it is. I bet if you broke it up into 2 or 3 you could make a ton of... oh. Right.

George R. R. Martin

As far as authors go, I’m convinced this guy’s a sadist. Not only does he kill of characters willy nilly, regardless of their prominence in each book, he makes them long as hell. And then, to add insult to injury, he takes seven damn years to write one. Seven years! Between books four and five! Arrgh! If I didn’t want to read it so bad, I’d just pummel myself with it a few times and end it.

You bastard.

Victor Hugo

Before Les Misérables was made into a Tony winning play, it was actually a book. No, not a book by Cameron Macintosh, and actual author named Victor Hugo wrote it. And wrote it. And wrote it. For seventeen years. After that, 513,000 words doesn’t seems as impressive, does it? Well, forget how long it took, it incited serious social change in 19th century France. Have some flipping respect.

It took him 17 years to write and what did we do? Make it into a musical. No wonder the French hate us.

Leo Tolstoy

This guy is what your high school English teacher threatened you with. “Look, it’s not like I’m asking you to read War and Peace, now am I?” Back then it was just something adults said to try to guilt you into doing your assigned reading. Little did you know! War and Peace is actually 560,000 words. Finishing this book gets you an honorary degree from some universities. From the Google machine, I’ve found out that you can probably read 200-250 words per minute, if you’re a fast (not speed) reader. That means it would take you forty-six hours to finish this book, as long as you kept up that speed. Doesn’t sound so hard? Go here to see how many WPM you read. I hit 200, and I burn through books.

He stopped shaving when he started his first read through. This is from the moment he finished.

Ayn Rand

Okay. Here’s what I understand: you want to write a piece of fiction that makes a political statement. You want to introduce your philosophy to the world. Fine. All I’m saying is that if it takes you 645,000 words to do it, maybe you should think about paraphrasing. This woman is the poster child for learning how to write a mission statement. I know it’s popular. I know it’s considered a great work of literature. But damn. 645,000 words? No wonder she became depressed after finishing. How would you ever have anything left to say?

This is the exact face I made when I read the word count to Atlas Shrugged.

Look, I’m not saying there is anything wrong with any of these books, or the authors. Just, for the sake of the rainforest and your future medical bills, buy the eBook.

Happy reading, happy writing.